Here’s how to make Root Beer Waffles:
1. Decide to make breakfast. Look for bacon for bacon and eggs. Don’t find any. Don’t find any sausage either. Admit that you’re not digging in the freezer too much and decide to make pancakes.
2. Look for pancake recipe. Stumble upon waffle recipe and decide it’s basically the same thing.
3. Neglect to take any pictures of the process.
4. Gather ingredients. This is where it gets interesting.
Amie’s sleeping in, so I’m going to surprise her with breakfast in bed. So I can’t wake her up before breakfast is ready. So here’s a quiz. Can you tell the difference between these two bottles?
If you’re having trouble, I’ll point it out some things. The one on the left is a flat flask. The one on the right is round. When I look for vanilla, I look for a flat flask. I once saw a “helpful hint” article where the wife would make a shopping list by taking pictures. When I go to the store, I look at an item and go, “Does this look familiar?” If it doesn’t, I’m probably looking at the wrong brand. The vanilla also changed location in the kitchen. Anyways, I can’t find vanilla. So I decide to use Root Beer Extract. It’s in the cupboard where the vanilla should be, and it’s in a similar shape bottle.
I had to also get both baking powder and baking soda. I’m now smart enough to know these are different. I believe I did make something once and got them mixed up. Amie has the baking soda in a glass container. So this means it’s not labeled. So I can’t figure out if this unmarked container is baking soda or bicholamarate oxide. But there’s a box of baking soda next to it unopened, so I just open the box.
The final ingredient dilemma comes when I need to add some salt. I didn’t see the pourable container of salt, but I saw there was a container of kosher salt. I asked myself, “What would Jesus do?” Well, considering He was Jewish, I figured he’d be fine with the kosher salt.
5. Realize some of the ingredients are “Double Strength”. Read the label to see if it actually says, “Yes, you really only need half as much.” Don’t find it. It called for 1.5 Tbsp, so I added 1 Tbsp. I figured if it was double, it’d actually be 2, and I’d be 33% over. If it wasn’t doubled, then I’d be 33% under. But if I added 1.5 and it was doubled, I’d be 100% over. So I decided that definitely being off by 33% was better than maybe being off by 100%.
6. Mix it up. Read the part of the recipe that says to mix this set of ingredients first, and then add those. But just read it. When you’re adding things, forget that and add them all at once. Except for the egg whites you held onto. Whisk them until they change color slightly, but not until they become stiff like the recipe says.
7. Put it in the waffle maker. Set the timer on the microwave. Then realize the waffle maker beeps when it’s done.
8. Give the first two waffles to the kids. Have a bite of the third one to make sure it’s good enough to surprise the wife with. Gather stuff for breakfast in bed while the fourth one is cooking. When the fourth one is done, take it out, butter it, continue getting breakfast in bed ready.
9. Somehow manage take take the third waffle up on the tray, and surprise your wife with a partially eaten waffle for breakfast. Don’t realize this mistake until you get back down and realize your waffle doesn’t have any bites taken out of it.
So no pictures, and I’m not even going to post a recipe. Just use a waffle recipe and substitute root beer extract for vanilla. And mess up the baking powder amount.
And if you’re wondering, “bicholamarate oxide” is just a made up word. Google returns 0 results. But maybe in a few months, it’ll index this page and anyone who searches for that will learn how to make Root Beer Waffles.