People go out and drink on their 21st birthday, because it’s the first time they can (legally) do that. I never did that because I’m not really a fan of drinking. I also didn’t smoke at midnight on my 18th birthday (or ever).
But today I’m 35. So what milestone do I have left? Well, obviously it’s running for the President of the United States. I know you have to make frequent trips to Iowa, but it’s very close to here, so I’m thinking this should be easy.
But, I need a platform. So here’s what I’d do:
- Tipping becomes 100% optional. Seriously, we need to enact this at the national level to get rid of our messed up tipping culture.
- Agree to paint the White House white. Sssshhhhh…..this is a secret thing I plan to pass and then declare bipartisanship. #evilgenius
- Internet connectivity becomes regulated like a monopoly. The Internet is just as important as phone service now, so we’re going to stop treating it like it’s optional and not let companies charge through the roof for it.
- Declare war on North Dakota. Apparently the crime has really gone up over there. So let’s go to war with them. Oh…..they have oil? Really?
- Require salt to be used on Interstate roads. Yes, it rusts your vehicle a bit, but it’s night and day when you cross state lines. Salted roads just feel more safe.
- Remove the stigma of soda in the morning. I’m sure I could do a PSA or something so people don’t think it’s weird.
- Daylight savings abolished.
I’m pretty sure I couldn’t get the Democratic nomination (especially if they vetted their candidates). I probably couldn’t get the Republican one either. But I’m not going to run under one of those established third parties. Nope, I’m running under the “Pizza Party”. Genius, I know.
That’s all I have for now. What law would you propose? And I say that in a “totally not fishing for ideas because I don’t have my own” way.