My bid for the White House

People go out and drink on their 21st birthday, because it’s the first time they can (legally) do that.  I never did that because I’m not really a fan of drinking.  I also didn’t smoke at midnight on my 18th birthday (or ever).

But today I’m 35. So what milestone do I have left?  Well, obviously it’s running for the President of the United States.  I know you have to make frequent trips to Iowa, but it’s very close to here, so I’m thinking this should be easy.


No Need for a Slogan, Just Vote Logan

But, I need a platform.  So here’s what I’d do:

  1. Tipping becomes 100% optional.  Seriously, we need to enact this at the national level to get rid of our messed up tipping culture.
  2. Agree to paint the White House white.  Sssshhhhh…..this is a secret thing I plan to pass and then declare bipartisanship. #evilgenius
  3. Internet connectivity becomes regulated like a monopoly. The Internet is just as important as phone service now, so we’re going to stop treating it like it’s optional and not let companies charge through the roof for it.
  4. Declare war on North Dakota. Apparently the crime has really gone up over there.  So let’s go to war with them.  Oh…..they have oil?  Really?
  5. Require salt to be used on Interstate roads. Yes, it rusts your vehicle a bit, but it’s night and day when you cross state lines.  Salted roads just feel more safe.
  6. Remove the stigma of soda in the morning. I’m sure I could do a PSA or something so people don’t think it’s weird.
  7. Daylight savings abolished.

I’m pretty sure I couldn’t get the Democratic nomination (especially if they vetted their candidates).  I probably couldn’t get the Republican one either.  But I’m not going to run under one of those established third parties.  Nope, I’m running under the “Pizza Party”.  Genius, I know.

That’s all I have for now. What law would you propose?  And I say that in a “totally not fishing for ideas because I don’t have my own” way.

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